Tag Archives: sadness

May10

The blaze of the past lights my way

Posted on by
Standard

Sunday, 21-April-2024


I am a sentimental creature, by nature. This is the culmination of that sentimentality.


I assign meaning to little things, overthink gestures and comments and actions, and see memories in the smallest of things. I save postcards and greeting cards – I’ve got a huge stack of them, going back 7 or 8 years, in fact. Yes, if you’ve sent me a card anytime since I’ve been in Oregon, there’s a good chance it’s flying to Ireland right now.

Some of the things I save have deep meaning. A faucet handle from when I was in a Brazilian detention center, for example, has deep meaning. Some of the things I save do not have deep meaning. A neat looking snail shell that I’ve had on my desk, for counter example.

Some things have deep meaning that needs to be left in the deep. Consigned to the past, and not carried forward into the future… regardless of how deep the meaning may be. Anchors to that which came before, that simply don’t aid in the fact that this ship is no longer anchored there, and is instead heading out to sea.

<Editor’s Note: One of Ben’s favorite quotes is from someone named John A. Shedd – “A ship at Harbor is safe… but that is not what ships are built for“. It seems appropriate to include here, thanks to his current metaphorical course>

Burning anchors is hardly advised, but in this case that’s exactly what I did. A box of Memories that shouldn’t be kept was carried with me, along with some firewood, camp chairs, and an axe, to Collins Beach out on Sauvie Island. The sand was prepared and cleared of anything flammable, a nice log cabin fire was made, and memories were shared before the physical memories were burnt. Old love letters, paintings, drawings, and other things that reminded me of a different life that I’d lived… hopes that I’d had for an alternative course that my life could have taken.

The memory sharing didn’t go quite as well as I’d hoped, but it was… almost cathartic. I learned an important lesson (that I’ll keep personal, for the time being), and had the opportunity to grow as a person… even if it wasn’t in the manner that I’d hoped for when I set this plan in motion.

It was an ending, in any case, with all the memories safely disposed of and left as buried ashes in the sand of the beach.




Link to the history of the “Ships at Harbor” quote – it’s interesting, and involves some very impressive persons!

https://quoteinvestigator.com/2013/12/09/safe-harbor/

May6

A goodbye to stuffed animals

Posted on by
Standard

Thursday, 18-Apr-2024


I am a sentimental creature, by nature.

That’s a phrase I’ve been saying a lot, recently, and one that you’ll see repeated in a few upcoming posts. It’s true, though, and has been made exceptionally apparent while I’ve been packing and divesting of my various possessions.

Two of which haven’t fallen into any acceptable category thus far – I can’t bring them with me, I can’t sell them, and I can’t store them.

Why can’t I? Well… they’re stuffed animals. Two specifically:
– Mini Ollie is a small black dog that Sarah and I would bring with us on trips when Ollie herself couldn’t come along.
– Micro Ollie is a tiny black dog that I gifted to my Grandma, since she’d heard so much about the full-size version of Ollie… and then, when Sarah and I broke up, my Grandma sent me micro-Ollie back to help me sustain through the loss of real Ollie.



I couldn’t sell them, obviously. Nor could I ever throw them out. Bringing them along to Ireland was equally out of the question, since it really is time for me to cut ties and let myself build a new life, complete and whole.

That left storing… and I couldn’t bring myself to consign them to the long dark of a storage box.

So, no options, right?

Wrong – I have friends. Friends who like stuffed animals, who I know will keep them safe and loved. Thus – a gift basket with googly eyes, and two excited puppies heading to their new loving homes.